Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
