There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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