By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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