please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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