thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
