T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
