I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
