So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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