My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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