I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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