i already hear my dad disowning me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
