I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
