Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
