..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
