I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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