I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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