Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
