So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
