Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
