i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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