cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
