i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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