i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
