On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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