I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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