Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
