If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
