This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize