i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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