walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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