I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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