I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
