I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
