woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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