I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
