Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
