Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the day after is always just damage control
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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