I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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