It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
