i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
