I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
