i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
