I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
