This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
