ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
