Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
