I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
