i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
