i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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