My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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