I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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