i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
