My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
