you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
