How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I can't put those talents on a resume
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
