i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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