at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
