**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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