I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
