Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
